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spring will find you

inhaled a once whole soul, interpolated within a wet watercolor wormhole, exhaled as orbital fuck trash crept refracted through honeycomb prisms of interplanetary patrol. drug me dreamy, let me swim the swelling seas of your sunflower sensory deprivation aquarium, enveloping the earth a wandering wonderland chrysanthemum, all flowers mine, scented in perfume breaths of lemon puff pours, smitten teenage breaths, yours, seoul cafe creamy, vanilla purrs, pray to believe in prayer and back again in an interstellar eternity hers, cursive spit spelled the way we were before, wide awake in mourning, i'll find warmth from the floor.

i used to be a little boy, lips so neon pretty they could cast cataclysm an orchestral road to joy, drowned my fingers in the seascape of your girlish honey hair held hostage crept coy, loved by souls i surrendered too few, hung from the ropes of the hollywood red line always late rescue, seizures swept swollen kept a heartbeat hue, sung my heartless hopes from leconte avenue. westwood west coast rendezvous, i leaped to heaven for my last love wept her last pledge: "spring will find you."

fuck. almost 5AM before i ever knew it. i've poured myself in writing and writing and writhing and writing the last handful of days in anywhere. my words reworked in here make up literary liberty. i met marla this morning time, my first therapist, and she colored me blush by sincerely assuring me that she knows i'm "too smart," "too creative," "and way too articulate" not matter to the world when i'm ready. i told her i'm doing my best to work for it. get there . i've been busily reassembling my whole being since i cleaned my veins by winter's end on my whole own to be everything that megan promised i would be. i keep one of her handwritten cards red sea split on my glass bedroom desk; the one that tells me that i need to find my way, a career, be something, and i make sure to read it each early morning no matter how much it hurts. i swallow 50mg of hydroxyzine, 800mg of gabapentin, mah big cup (big cups harness not included) of organic decaf coffee, 200mg of tagamet, 30mg of methadone, and work through ill haze to work words all day under rainy greys.

my medicine keeps me alive and breathing the way i want. okay 'til i'm not. it wasn't so long a monday night ago that i collapsed on the living room floor but talked my mom into not taking me to the hospital which is mostly why i've been seeing doctors, seemingly always spending an afternoon @ santa clara valley medical, and i'll see a new neurologist in a couple weeks for a checkup and usual brain wave tests. i'm on it. i'm good. i'm gonna stay around. i accept everything. this year, i'm gonna fly to albany, new york to see rena at her house and it'll be the last baptism before i begin a new life (again) in LA in or around burbank. there's nothing for me in the bay area anymore and never will be again. i don't belong here.

next week or maybe the one after, my sister is going to drive me to a cosmetic surgeon in san francisco to get a consulation about fixing my razorblade scarred and gouged up arms. the last one i saw recommended fraxel laser treatments over the next two years but i never followed up on it. my mom told me to get it done as she has control over the money now. everything. it's all so fucked up and yet life changing good has come from it. i just want to be away from here and never come back. momo will come with me even though i promised her that she'll see her mommy someday soon and lament how we both miss her so much. that's everyday living now: religiously reading the words of always and forever last loves they maybe don't mean anymore, swallowing my pills so my skeletal tissue stays still, breathlessly kissing my pretty peach kitty sore, but none of it ever hurt so much before.

forgive my cliches, it's after 5am and fuck.

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