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james (to here knows when)

ruined. wrecked. fucked. up. dis.con. nect. i can't have enough of anything gracefully abandoned inside me by residual individuals i dreamed or dreamed me up from the bleed as tangible to know the world long enough to know this never-familiar sensation again. it's spelled and scrawled the seeming same on any paper trail but the stroll is sprawled and spread to a thought cacophony knoll celebrated by arsonists that set ablaze my soul unto the real world my face is knotted in a veil and cigarette scents i shared with them are alone left to inhale. fuck me. not many others would comprehend unless they've known the carnal sin of buying emotional matter from other human beings only to have them lost. gone. forever. beyond all begging. all control. thoughts strung on pieces of ivory shards that go nowhere. jigsaw nothings in five dimensions but worn in lucid dreams brought to you by life extension㏇. i'm stripped, sewn, pieced, inside out, dripping, red, and i'm worn across the throat as a hostage of a malevolent deity of all the drugs i've sought some solace and shelter to be penned and pricked by lovers in the company of beloveds with flesh bled and blot. i wish i could be taken as an echo to nowhere, nobody heard, sucked up to take the place of someone like him to save all who loved them from this feeling i know. the one that's been killing me all the more and more that i blacked out and fucked out til 2014 was finding its end. when i even began spitting and sputtering little cryptic hints of see-through tints to my last love whom i promised to save her from what i used to be and knew, and here we are now to a pale flesh embodiment of me having lost and loved from there to back again, missing him, missing everyone, missing so much when life was everything to me when connected to and through one more from me.

sua. megan. the sickened me, the one who counts the clouds that are broken on any day for another sad thing to say, has wondered in the worst of every private prayer i could find you again somehow upon us losing someone so special. if only between the raindrops of any moment and no more. none of it really makes any sense. not him. not james. not the budding friend, loved momo like us, the first of anyone beyond our family within our oakland apartment to know her, who would let us use his car to make a round trip to the hood to do whatever we used to do, and as far as i asked and knew only a handful of days before i know - he was alright. he was clean. he was good even if he began feeling ill over the weekend. i asked because i'm currently being (mildly) treated to even prevent me from the off-chance of wanting a reckoning from dope in the present time i'm up and down during trauma and general therapy (leaves me fucked up often), and james and i would hit each other up for anything all the time. he would bring up his podcast, his ideas to do a youtube show, asking me if i would be up to helping write it with or for him, and i know i was always always always positive to lend my help and being for him for anything in the whole wide world. he was purest. i say that and mean it in all sincerity. i don't know any 'how' or 'why' we could lose him. i wish i could be lost the way i've wanted to live in my better bitten beats with no one noticing instead... the way he was loved was engraved and meant so much to so many whereas my everydays are worth so little. that's the way it feels. the common thread sung and strung through the metronomic membrane of any remembered lost love or beloved. if i could save them by giving up my life to mean nothing, i would in any heartbeat, and maybe i made that promise to live the life i've taken up in this present day existence. rather the sort like myself is cruelly destined to witness the ends of the earth. it feels that way. it'll be left to someone like me to feel so little compared to everyone else upon the world's end having known how hurtful it is to live each day by day in sunshine so harmonized and spent knowing the very last of so many so sincerely loved upon lovers littering by lips an amends to so intense. everything. perfect. the end of the world will be brought tomorrow and i'll have known it since i was a little kid and you only ever knew so little. sua. megan. i wish i knew more of who you are before it happens. i love you and always will. i want to know you're okay and if you're not okay upon knowing what happened to someone so good. it hurts me so it could only hurt you more having known him another way in the big blue world. i wish i could offer something to you somehow. in this reality. before it ends or becomes something else if it already hasn't again. i'll love you from there to back again because i promised when we said it from the beginning.

i wrote this days ago but pilled out on a roulette of medicine minting my bloodstream. i've been wrecked and left wondering where rena could be?... i need you right now and i know you may need me too. if i could tune the vibrations that stitch the colors against the quantum canvas, i would be packed and sitting solemnly on an airplane to albany to see you in the house i've dreamed a million dreams. there's so much spattering from this whirlwind of grey matter propelling my soul through corridors of everyday sadder. so lost. there's so much money but i don't have it in me to leave just yet even if my exit from the bay area is a fact waiting to be fulfilled. i just know that satellites touch down on the earth from the stars when they're ready and until then i'm in orbit.

i won't be over james being gone. although there's no familiarity in living when your friends and loves become the departed, even if it's scrawled the very same way on paper, i do know that it'll be atomic winter for a little too long until chlorophyll becomes and buds again. nothing will be the way it was before without him. i've lost a little too much for one life and wish i could suffer under seashore strangulation to give them back to the world where they deserve to be warm. loved. wanted. i love you so much, james. it never should have been you and i wish you could know just how missed you really are by so many special people. you would've been so stoked to see how much you meant.

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