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january on the west coast

(´Д`;)/ヽァ・・・ there's a screening of the jared leto film mr. nobody @ the roxie in san francisco that i'm gonna attend and tell nobody else about it because i have nobody to accompany me anyway. i'm still regretful that i had nobody who would want to see desaparecidos play a reunion show @ the independent in san francisco last yearish after i had found a way without drugs and just before sua had arrived with her brother having given her a ride to let me take care of momo. all i wanted was to get shitfaced, strip shirtless and wet in sweat as i usually do most every show, and reminisce in nostalgic loops when i was in 10th grade (when their record had come out) the way i dreamed: i would be more grown up, still boyish, still never learned how to be cool, and yet i wouldn't be afraid of being me in all my pale skinny flesh to be swallowed by willing eyes. so i swing, so i sway, and to my dreams i cling.

speaking of that, as much time and soft talking i spend to kiku in this house, i recalled how overwhelmingly grateful i still feel that sua had sought to let me care for momo, our little kitty we love so much after rescuing her from the oakland streets so scratched up and starved, and hadn't given her away to someone else after she was unable to house her upon our shared apartment being forever gone. it colorfully reminded me that sua could recognize how much momo means to me, recollect love that i felt for another, remember love itself as she knew it, and it let me want to believe that she still loves me. i only bring it up because my beloved boy, mark, had found me again through social media after a long while of not really talking to each other. he was like "what?!?!?!" when i told her i'm not actually with sua anymore and explained everything - mostly the fact i don't know anything more than when it happened, how apparently i wasn't worth much of anything to even be told by the love of my life and myself being hers for so long that she wouldn't talk to me anymore, and drew upon that cyclical frenzy where the more i want to remember or believe she loves me, the more it slits my flesh in slut love shapes to know she still abandoned me to have nothing knowing how it would affect me. he still spoke and assured me of what he knew as universal truths just for such a situation, casually but confident, and actually he would be one of the only souls who could make me feel better in his own words since he's someone who gravitates love, fuck, and affection in all its scents and would know how any of it works. he's one of my forever loves in my life i could count on my left-hand fingers of sin along with rena, sua, jessica, julie, and himself. i have nothing left in me to have another one to ever love as my right-hand fingers are reserved for purity and godliness i'm not allowed to have any more.

anyway, sua, if you someday or somehow read this: i sincerely am grateful for you (and ryan!) for making your guys' way to let me have momo to care rather than give her away. i want to believe it was because you knew how much she meant to me; that she was my little girl kitty, my baby, and that she is a warm-blooded embodiment of our love and life together we found in each other just like we found her - beaten, left for nothing, but saved by love at a chance. thank you from all of my heart for making sure she would always have a place in our family, but especially knowing i would put my utmost effort in knowing she would be cared and loved by myself. she is coming to be with me again soon, so you know, and i will have her again; i've kept a photo of her on my facebook profile, one where she is sleepy but has her eyes opened to the camera lens, curled up on her kitty pillow (with her plump kitty tummy) in front of one of our third-floor apartment windows left slightly open to let her breathe in the city air, and i tell any others am able she is there to remind me of the days we could hear her hop on the floor, gallop to the front door as we opened it, and trill all her merry way to us each and every instance. momo is our baby who would flaunt the pink ribbons you would dress around her neck, as if she was showing off the way you prettied her as her mommy to her little girl, and we only put pink collars and pink harnesses on her when we would let her venture in the outdoor space behind our building. our little baby and i'll have her with me soon. i know i'll only ever talk to her about you and how much her mommy misses her and will find her soon. i will never let her go again, always keep her wherever i wing my way, and only a few hours earlier i wondered aloud if we would ever be a family again. it could be perfect.

there has been talk that when much more is figured out regarding our family, it's looking pretty likely that my dad will sell his house where i've begun living again (where we ALL have...) and a realtor had visited less than a week ago and elaborated how it will likely go for about $1.4 million when all is said and done i know, right?... this place. location location location. anyway, my mom let it be casually said that enough of that money would be put toward my sister and i being given some spoiled support and a start to our lives where we want to be as our inheritance which we would have split together. now that everything is changing due to turmoil in a flavor of terror i would prefer not to describe in funeral scents or ripped ribboned presents, it's looking more and more like when all is said and done: i'll begin anew with a studio apartment in the valley, away from here forever and ever, to make my own life from scratch pursuing the sort of things i want to wish the best and survive as fashionable a fuck i can dress. far away from here where i was led to be destroyed but lived upon knowing true love i wouldn't ever want to let go. i  just wish sua could see how much i've grown up and bettered my body, my soul, myself, my everything. before she knows goodbye from me forever. i just wish we could know if we had anything left in us or somewhere along the line if only in thought. i know she wouldn't know having never been stranded to feel the heartbreak i've had to live as life would tell me to let go, but i want to believe in somedays she would learn and know the sort of neon hurt it colors one to glow. maybe she'll know what real love feels like and that she was way too young and inexperienced to know she had it from someone who learned along the way all it was but felt it in her from the first days she visited and i never wanted her to leave as we held each other at the LA train station.

change is gonna come but i don't want to believe after all i've had to live and keep quiet to myself i'll have to start again with nothing. i want to rebuild what i had and we had us so pure.

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