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skinny love

"each and every day, I hazily wake up and soak in these surreal sensations beyond any recollection I could string together, but more than anything, I feel so grateful to have found love, affection, reassurance, and promises to a luminous future through someone so special and endlessly perfect. someone who radiates an emotional depth that captures me to connect to her in a kaleidoscopic way that dazzles my soul. someone who gifts me a faith in myself I can't even remember having before. a natural beauty who appears all the more stunning whenever we spend time together. I want to do my very best to give her the happiness she gives me by existing because I'm just so grateful for her and us."

i'm soul soaring and whole amouring in a smitten dizzy kitten high beyond any exosphere worth exploring (bye)


orbital pull

This guy is my everything! We had a perfect day in half moon bay today. I feel so lucky💖

(⋈◍>◡<◍)。✧♡ so much to say and share but i've been soaking in a smitten afterglow that stole me away toward a happiness i've never known before. the words haven't come yet. now we're together. the words will burst.

painkiller twilight

slow kinda saturday night @ work but i took home $250ish after only 5ish hours, which is hella good compared to others around me tonight, only because i know how to turn on the charm til it drips drops. i work tomorrow at 4pm til whenever and hope to take at least $150 minimum after i tip everyone else out. it's good to be where i should be as far as work and believing in myself a little more than before... still, each and every shift one of the bartenders feeds me shots of booze, i had 3 this last one (mostly patron), which was a little too much i think, i'm relatively little and slender, but it helped the last hour breeze by like nothing. it's a good place to work; i really like it.

i asked courtney if she still wanted to go somewhere kinda nice next week on her day off (mine too) and she said yes! she lives within south san jose so i'll do my very bestest to find an all-the-way decent place to take her but i offered to pick her up and drive her so she wouldn't have to commute. i'll ask if i could do that so she doesn't have to wriggle her way beyond her apartment. i'm really excited and happy, i'll dress very nice, maybe even a tie with a button-up, but almost all of my stress and concerns are captured in an orbit of wanting to be good and appealing enough for someone that special. she's naturally gorgeous, don't get me wrong, but she possesses a blossomed sorta comprehension of the world the way i color it and that's what magnetizes me toward her. she's something special and she's a kitty mommy; her two babbies are some of the cutest little goofballs i've ever drawn my eyes and she told me earlier tonight she had made sure to rescue that whole litter. i told her i love kitties and those who love them. i genuinely do.

emotionally and otherwise, i hadn't been anywhere near i needed to be to routinely bang out the number of pages i expected to work through my whatever, but upon finding my way to finally meet courtney earlier this week, i've become aglow and inspired to be creatively productive a way i wouldn't have found. i hadn't exercised so much lately, i've felt too fucked in every bad way, but here i am breathing life back into my routine to keep my abs and stuff better than before. they're still there, that's why i've been lazy enough to ignore it too often, although i stand and run around for hours straight during work having forgotten to eat anything before and after, but i become scared of losing them even a little bit. i want all my skinny pale boy definition. i only really just met her, i can't say i promised myself it will be anything more than i know in the moment, but she's a special sort of soul i hadn't figured i'd encounter since i lost my last love who lost me forever and ever. i didn't know there was a personification of girlish humanity left to inspire me. i had given up entirely; i may still but i would be happy if i kept courtney a friend at short distance. i'm a neptune paratrooper swallowed by the swarming storm. i want to be good enough for someone too good for me.

wish me luck. i want to be more than who i am.

get high, go down

believe it or not, tuesday afternoon, i made my merry way to a coffee date of sorts with a stunning sorta girl a whole day away from now. when we initially found each other, she invited me to a show @ DNA in the city a little while ago, but i happened to be overwhelmed beyond belief after a medical appointment, stressed and depressed by the news and anxiously bruised, and i felt abandoned and wary of commuting up the peninsula to find a stranger who could've stranded me upon any notice for all i knew... but it ended with her strutting against a spotlight a stunning sweetheart beyond any other soul. her adorably short stature (5'2" unfff...), she nonchalantly relates to depression the way most cherished by my being, impeccably dressed in seamless colors and cloth ripped apart in city girl symmetry, gucci handbag with carved bamboo handles kept aglow, sunny day purity sorta soul, sense of humor wonder, an appetite for a whimsical wander, a blue-eyed seraph sorta whole, and we caught the black magic blair witch squirrel's click-click curse on one particular west coast summertime knoll. chyeah man.

(she took that photo on her mobile and i simply shared it from social media and stole it - but i was sitting right there so whtv)

thursday afternoon, she caught me around 3ish when i was agonizing for having the mood and sensation elude me to bang out the pages i told myself i need to finish, and asked if i would be down to have sushi with her @ kenji on winchester boulevard at her hour lunch break. hella down; thankfully i just showered and barely styled my hair before she brought it up so i only had to change my shirt a time or two, fix myself up, and made my way a few miles away across the street from santana row. i didn't even know but she's a supervisor at gucci (fuck) she mentioned during our awkward sushi lunch which really impresses me... she's cool as fuck, bad bitch all the way, and deserves the world at its daybreak warmest. i'm left agonizing if i'm remotely good enough for someone like her. i want to believe i am and put my faith in someone i think has a real heart.

C------- --------

Well, it's official. I'm a satanic ham squirrel princess.

good for health // bad for education

new job tomorrow @ surprisingly impressive spot in downtown campbell.

i'm INFP-T as fuck.

rena's darling bird, umi, passed away and departed early this morning, and it made me cry a little while i was smoking a cigarette as she told me around 10am (west coast time). rena has always loved, loved, and adored her little birds and she takes it out on herself when one of them passes away which is so unfair to her. she blames herself for not doing enough but i've known nobody else who could or would pour so emotionally into their pets the way she always has. rena deserves a lot of love, so much assurance, and i wish my essence of being could be filtered into a permanent pure atomic matter to be sewn against her soul to color her in a peach-hued warmth she deserves. please pray for her if you believe in prayer. send her your love in thoughts entwined in dream knots. she's a wonderful little soul so sensitive, so vulnerable to so much when she deserves so much more, and she lives within everydays scratching the hours of flesh for satisfaction sore. she's special.

"this was the track i should have always known and loved but couldn't until late. when it would have mattered. i possessed no artistry welling inside my viscera for so long while i was taking for granted the affection, romance, and emotional assurance i sought from my last ever love while she put up with me doing her very best to inject the heroin in any vein she could scour on my pale body. only toward the end, upon kindling my delicate devoir to write and write and write whatever it could be in my silly little livejournal left to be devoured, begging in the parables only i could perform would i messily compose the sort of mush you would find scrawled when my burgeoning creativity was only plasmic but panicking to pour before a last, last january's end (1/21/2015) spattered against a dead-end and dimmed canvas word roar. an astute literati or artist will see it clear as day. probably anyone would. that was me. that was me: knowing it will be over soon, no way to say or escape my paralyzing heroin addiction, craving a rescue from the hopeless everydays i smothered my last ever beloved, so scared of being separated from her that i resigned to sedentary but sleepless overnights in front of her laptop finding little but misery and counting down the hours before she would shoot me up in my feet, inspired beyond comprehension in that microcosmic cycle by william burroughs, jack kerouac, david lynch, marlon brando, jun togawa, brion gysin, the doors, lars von trier, bjork, and the orbital madness that had become living far too long, and yet having no real means to be. we know how that story ended but still keeps going."

jay electronica amassed and assembled a lyrical work to jon brion's cinema score to "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" exalting a word surge to little but fertile virtuosity. it found me never too late.

violet is the color cast swollen

"and his own story was as curious as his narrative, the tale of his life is the tale of a writer of incredible vision, an astute analyst and pundit, a lyricist compassionate and callous, a reckless hedonist and disaffected malcontent."

jay electron's track 'eternal sunshine (the pledge),' words and words against a composition score for the film "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" for 15 minutes absent even any percussion, among his other releases, his words ("spit that kurt vonnegut, that blow your brain kurt cobain, that nirvana shit"), has ignited something special within me. i'm page pouring and word roaring. don't stop meなう。

We're presented a meditative view of a faraway industrial park, adorned with chain link fences and strewn with abandoned buildings cemented in an ashtray gray, being enraptured whole by a dusk searchlight as if it was celebrating a carnal starlet's stage play.

A lonely and distant silhouette of someone is caught in a graceless sprint from one side to the other as silence becomes the soundtrack. We're immediately confronted by an adolescent girl who becomes the centerpiece of the shot as her cacophonous gasps overwhelm, and we follow her with a fixed and steady shot as the desolate scenery seemingly recycles itself in the background. Her face is bruised, lips cracked, and her wide-eyed visage pours an unseen fragrance of disbelief wounded by another reality. The dim leftovers of sunset become swallowed in a celestial magma of unnatural light as she murmurs a scream strung and wrung of all verbal essence before it could be heard. Cut to black.

still working. always working. all by myself. got nothing left. want nothing anymore. need nobody anymore. i'll be back as someone better when i'm worth my atomic matter to matter. let's get metaphysical.

til teatime

so i started serving at this place yesterday from 11-4 and from 7-11pm, black on black, even wore a nice tie i bought but... i'm not getting good vibes from it at all. the manager that hired me had just begun working there as one a few weeks ago and assured me the synergy between the employees and environment was really warm. when i arrived yesterday morning, there wasn't much warmth; the other employees are 'nice' but in a very off-putting way where they don't exactly speak to me, and the guy i shadowed was kind of a dick. i wouldn't have their POS system preemptively memorized but he would rudely rush me in this exasperated-sounding tone like i'm frustrating him for those extra few seconds i'm cautiously pecking at the arrangement of touchscreen buttons as speedily and careful as i'm able to do. of course, i do nothing but help any which way for his shift but he can't throw me a few bucks from his tips like i would if i was in his place (and i have). still, that sort of thing is expected but while i was finishing my shift, it was 3:40-something and the owner nonchalantly declared i will return at 7pm to work a double on my very first day which is whatever. then he remarked that i'm being paid for 11-3 when it was almost 4pm and even then i didn't finish whatever sidework i was completing and leave for another 10ish minutes. that's a glaring red flag because i've been around and i've played this story before where even on my first day, these employers have to get one over on me, fucking me out of an hour (or give me half of that, at least!) just because, and it casts an unsettling precedent about things to come. before i took the offer, a highlight of the place was its full and gorgeous bar, and then i realized that literally nobody, in all the hours i was working and actively observing, nobody orders drinks from the bar. they all drink hot tea because persians. cocktails, drinks, bottles of wine, in a nice place?... that's where the money is made from tips and i felt the familiar tingle of my heart sinking upon realizing it may as well be there purely for decoration. a lot of customers are rude. i got along with the girl who i shadowed during my evening shift but i wasn't given much of anything to do because after an hour, if that, the servers you shadow end up molting you away to a lost flutter to do their own thing. it becomes this frantic, self-conscious struggle to find something to do, look busy, genuinely look to actually be busy, and it's just not pleasant. i'm sincerely disappointed as i was wholeheartedly excited to wriggle my way back to working, socializing, finding synchronicity with a normal wavelength of living, and i actually love being a server. this was just worrying, unpleasant, demoralizing, and the polar opposite of promising the way i anticipated and embraced almost all of the instances before.

on top of that, although it's fairly minor, on friday + saturday they have live music/DJ, a dance floor, and people, families, couples, whatever will dance to persian pop music and these red and green strobelights will potently flash which handicaps me to let my eyes be taken by gravity, away from the physically excruciating bursts of nuclear light, or simply shut them as clever as i could without drawing attention to it from everyone else while rescuing my brain matter from being broiled in an epilepsy fricassee. it becomes very old after having to criss-cross that strobing no man's land literally every other indefinite minute. i didn't say anything because it wouldn't make a difference. on that particular night, the owner told me that they're doing this vague "after-party" deal which i found out is an instance where they quite literally keep the place open until stupid o'clock for a larger group to use as their hangout. this other girl warned me that it's complete bullshit because they almost always just pay the owner a few hundred or whatever for bottle service, it lasts until 2-3AM, and servers are held hostage to this strangled hope that the patrons will order something else without being allowed to leave until the patrons want to leave. she told me she hates it and never wants to do it but the owner was (again) nonchalantly breaking it down in a matter-of-fact way that i'm expected to just stay for it until whenever on my very first day after already being dragged to do a double-shift for no tips and less base pay than the hours i actually worked. that's not exactly appealing to any of my warmest senses. the manager who hired me (a very, very nice lady) caught me, mentioned it, and i mustered all my imaginary telepathic ability and facial nuances to tell her loud and clear: that's kind of bullshit, i've already worked a double since 11AM, it's 10:30PM, why am i still here, and if you flat-out tell me that i'm supposed to stay until after-hours, whenever that is, i'm going to walk right here and right now. thankfully she understood and gave me this bothered look, agreeing that i've been there "all day" upon telling her my earlier hours, and i somewhat overheard her mildly arguing with the owner about it. i guess she won, she told me i can bounce at 11pm, and the owner was whatever. i've found it to be completely true that my youthful appearance gives way to almost everyone (especially employers) that i'm young, dumb, and vulnerable to the usual pressure to go with the flow, and i wouldn't go out of my way to let my actual age be known because i shouldn't have to do that. in all honesty, wherever i work, particularly in restaurants no matter how nice or not, i actually expect my treatment to be a little less than fair, but my patience and discipline to fake it 'til i make it looms only so little after that. i've been there, done that, and i have little tolerance to repeat the same stress i've learned from identical instances of my life. i don't expect tips, i don't expect fair hourly pay, and i don't even mind working a double, but everything else is really trying on my tolerance.

on top of even all of that, as i was working my last half-hour, everyone else was on a break before presumably putting in their hours for the "after-party," and eating dishes of the food. i swear to god, i thought i could take home some food, and by the night time i was wondering what i would pick. as i was finishing up, the owner told me i'm good, i can leave, come back on saturday @ 5pm, and goodnight. no offer to be fed. nothing. i was going to say something about it but i thought "fuck it" and drove home. that's really shitty; i work a double on my very first day, it's not like i'm taking home any money, and you can't feed me?... nothing? everyone else is or was eating as i was working by myself. that's not reassuring and frankly that's really low. it's a family-owned place, beholden to no restrictive corporate policies to hide behind, and you can't let me have something to eat? that dude was pestering me to break out my mobile and take photos of the different dishes as they were coming off the line, adamant i keep studious to the menu, but he couldn't offer me to order something from his own restaurant to eat?... really? i still can't get over that. i've never had that happen either. everywhere else i worked as a server, i was always invited to eat/take home something for myself. fuck that guy.

if there is one perk, whether it's a fellow employee being convincingly cool to be around, looking forward to good pay, or the actual job being less stressful than usual, i'm all for it and it's more than enough to stay until i'm much more comfy in the routine. here, however, every first impression and glance presents a convincing portrait of a promising job, but my insides are deflated as all of these shards of reality converge in a metronomic stabbing motion for every lost thought i let go while on the clock. nobody orders drinks. customers are pretty rude. most of the employees aren't nice or friendly. the owner is fucking me out of paying me the hours i was like, working. on top of a double, he really and truly believed i was going to work a second shift, in the same day, from like 7pm-2am after already working 11am-4pm. the weekend strobelights pierce the lobes of my brain. no tips. no food. no promise. i'm supposed to go at 5pm but (predictably) i received a call @ 2pm and subsequent voicemail telling me to come in as soon as possible. within the voicemail, one of the managers (whoever it was) made mention how they're "very happy with (my) work," all of that positive encouragement, i know i perform a good and attentive job, but i figure this is how it's going to play out over there.

strangely enough, the servers have no sections, no real system, and everything is just up in the air, in the moment as far as who takes what tables, which can be good or bad; at the same time, i like some order. i like relying on something and knowing what to expect as far as where i'm at so i can mentally prepare to do the very best job i could, i like to know where i'm serving, where i have to watch, and i somewhat figure someone new, like myself, would be pushed out for aggressive persian chicks to take all of the tables, especially the big parties (there are many of them because persians), and i'm left scalped and scissored apart on the cutting room floor to take the scraps. at this point, i have the steakhouse place in santa clara set up for an interview the next week, although the girl hasn't emailed me back about a proper day to do it (which i pushed aside yesterday morning to show up to work my first day at this place), and i don't expect to stay. i don't feel good about any of it and i just want a stable place to be a server that's emotionally, physically, and practically tolerable enough. i give bullshit plenty of wiggle room but i can only tolerate so much as i've said. i plan to show up in a bit, it's almost 4pm, and i have to get showered, dressed up, and figure out how to tie a tie since i don't know how to do so myself. i grew up in a house of women, i was never taught or shown any of that stuff. i really couldn't give a fuck about stressing myself out to call back, apologize for not immediately interrupting the rest of my day and night to show up earlier than i was told without notice, and making my way there in the hopes they're not upset at me. no, i'm going to stress, but not about that; i'm going to stress about getting the fuck out of there tonight and making sure they know that i cannot come back for sunday. i'm pretty sure i told the hiring manager that sunday, march 12th, is a day i need off no matter what (james' memorial show in oakland), but i'm completely uncertain if the owner knows that. if that's an issue, fuck it. saturdays are supposed to be really banging at this place, really busy, really loud, big parties, all of that, but it's difficult to conjure up excitement when i'm not getting tips and probably an hour shaved off my wage for no comprehensible reason like yesterday. i don't know if i'm coming back after today but i'm also not planning to stay past midnight if that's what they ask. i just didn't want to drop out without notice on my second day even though that would make the most sense, but i would like to think i could have some class about it. i'm wasting hella time typing in here and it's almost 4pm. meh.

i'll let it be known what works out, if any of it, but i'm still hoping against all hope that my feel for the situation could be turned around and shuttled to a brighter place. maybe it was just a rough first day because it was a first day, and the second one will be what i need to help blanket me in some confidence and comfort. i'll say what happens when i can. see ya for now.